***Trigger Warning***
Hey Girly,
The pain of sexual trauma is real, nothing compares; unless you have experienced it, you will never really understand. We have to allow ourselves the necessary time it takes to process the trauma. No one can tell us how we should process the pain or give us a time limit for how long it should take us to overcome. I’m sure you heard your therapist say countless times, “healing is not linear.” I hated that term; as a matter of fact, I wanted to punch my therapist every time she said it. (just being honest, lol) I felt like it would have been so much easier if healing was a 123 process, but that is not possible.
The weight of my trauma became too much for me to bear. I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was afraid of vulnerability. I viewed it as a weakness, and I had to be strong to protect myself, so why would I waste time sitting around, crying about the horrible things I had endured. My therapist taught me the importance of facing the pain of my past and not suppressing my feelings in an attempt to be strong. I realized I did not want to die, I just did not want to feel the pain any longer. I am so grateful I allowed myself to sit in the discomfort of my trauma.
One day I was at home, thinking about my life. The pain. The abuse. The torment from my memories. Tears began to stream down my face I tried my best to stop them, but it was too late. I began to cry and scream from the top of my lungs; I fell to the floor; I cried until I was numb. It felt like an out of body experience, but I felt a sense of relief that I had never experienced before. Eventually, I got up off the floor and cleaned up myself. I allowed myself to face the reality of what I had been through. I allowed myself to be human. That breakdown was my breakthrough. I broke through the veil of fear and pain.
My tears were cleansing. I learned that no matter how hard and how long I cried, afterward, I would be ok. I always felt so much better after I released the necessary emotions and feelings that are associated with trauma. I learned that I could dry my tears and still have an amazing day. I started to feel a sense of control. Tears are not harmful, but suppressing them is. I had to allow the little girls inside of me to cry and express themselves. My three-year-old self needed time to process and grieve in ways I was not allowed to during those times. Once I released the tears, I could breathe deeper, and over time I began to trust myself a little more. My feelings and emotions are still healing, but I am in a much better place.
Please use wisdom. I am not saying do exactly what I did to help me unveil fear and pain. Please follow the guidelines and recommendations of your therapist. I’m merely saying you have to admit that you are in pain for you to heal.
Think about it like this….
A few years ago, I
had a toothache. I did not want to go to the dentist, so I decided to take care
of it myself. I brought an electric toothbrush, and I increased my brushing and
flossing. I changed my mouthwash to Listerine. I adjusted the way I chewed, and
I did not eat foods with an excessive amount of sugar. My attempts worked for a
while. Unfortunately, I was covering up my symptoms, but I was not addressing
the root of my issue. Overtime my toothache became worse; I could not avoid the
fact that I needed professional help.
The dentist took one look at my tooth and said I needed to have a root canal. The moral of the story is, are you covering up your symptoms with fake smiles and lashes? Are you looking for someone else to make you feel better about you? Or are you facing the pain and trusting that your tears will lead you to a place of cleansing and internal washing?
I am not minimizing our pain or the severity of it, but we have the power to control what we allow to control us. Let today be your day of the breakthrough.
Break the veil!