September 26
2023
October 18
2020
Interpersonal Healing
As survivors, one of the most significant challenges is learning how to trust again. Often the people we thought we could trust were the very ones that violated us. It has been challenging for me to trust people. I lived behind a brick wall laced with an electric fence that would electrocute anyone that tried to get close to me. I learned how to hold people off at a distance; if anyone came within 6 feet of me, I became anxious and abruptly ended all communication.
I practiced social distancing before it became a national mandate. My desire for peace turned into a quarantine lifestyle. I had to be honest with myself. I reached a place on my healing journey where I realized I was lonely and unfulfilled. I prayed to God and asked for interpersonal healing; he answered my prayers!
It is essential to use wisdom and place people in the proper category in our lives. Still, if we allow fear to manipulate our behavior, it will control and destroy our relationships. I read tons of books that reinforced that we cannot heal in isolation. I was determined to be the exception to that rule. We must develop healthy social skills and learn how to set boundaries. How can we set boundaries if we avoid relationships?
Believe it or not, since people wounded us, we need healthy connections to aid in the healing process. I encourage you to look at things from a different perspective. Take a moment to think about your relationships. If you live life through the lens of distrust, you could miss out on the most genuine, healthy, and authentic relationships. I’m speaking from experience.
I allowed God to use specific people to demolish the brick walls and the electric fence. I admit, I still have residue from the construction site, but God is building a beautiful white picket fence with a guard, also known as the Holy Spirit. I am learning how to develop healthy connections. More importantly, I am learning how to trust again.
None of this is easy, but it is worth it. All of this takes a great deal of time and patience. I do not know where you are on your healing journey; if you are not ready to allow yourself to open up to healthy and fruitful relationships, that is ok. Pray and ask God to help you.
Allow this post to give you hope that one day you will trust again. One day you will experience the joys of being loved well by a great friend, and you will be capable of reciprocating that love too.
Be blessed. God loves you.
July 25
2020
Say a little prayer
Hey Ladies!
Today I feel lead to do something a little different. When I first began the healing journey, I used to search the Bible for scriptures that would speak life into the dry and dark places of my soul. I would then turn the scriptures into prayers and make them personal. I know a lot is happening in the world, and some of us may be suffering in various ways. Psalm 91 is one of my favorites; it speaks protection and deliverance over your life. Please read aloud and believe in your heart that God hears, and he will restore you. Have faith, and receive his love and grace.
Dear Lord, your word says…
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Lord, I am seeking you for protection. I am broken and abused. I believe you are a healer. Please restore me, oh God. I am desperate for your presence in my life.
Father, your word says…
If I put my trust in you. Surely you shall deliver me from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
You shall cover me with your feathers,
And under your wings I shall take refuge;
Your truth shall be my shield and buckler.
Lord, I am disturbed in my mind. Please! Help me, I am desperate for your peace. Lord, I decree and declare…
I shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.
Father, I need your rest. My dreams haunt me at night,
But you said…
A thousand may fall at my side,
And ten thousand at my right hand;
But it shall not come near me.
Only with my eyes shall I look,
And see the reward of the wicked. Because I have made the Lord, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, my dwelling place,
Lord, I seek your face. Please have mercy on me. Bless me with your grace. Lord, God, I decree and declare…
No evil shall befall me,
Nor shall any plague come near my dwelling;
For you shall give your angels charge over me,
To keep me in all my ways.
In their hands they shall bear me up,
Lest I dash my foot against a stone.
I shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent I shall trample underfoot. “Because you have set your love upon Me, therefore you will deliver me;
You will set me on high, because I know your name.
I shall call upon you, and you will answer me;
You will be with me in trouble;
You will deliver me and honor me.
Lord, I am waiting patiently.
I believe…
With long life you will satisfy me,
And show me your salvation.”
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Be Blessed! God loves you.
*Source- Psalm 91 NKJV
July 12
2020
Sharing my thoughts…
| I am in the process of making life-changing decisions, and honestly, it has not been easy. In the past, I needed others to make my decisions. And my lack of confidence opened the door to everyone’s opinion and judgment. As survivors, it’s normal for us to struggle with making decisions and trust that we are capable of becoming deciders. Trauma taught us that our needs and rights do not matter. That is a lie! |
| We have to get to a place where we can trust the woman that we are becoming. I know it can be frightening; we may even feel insecure at times, but we must develop strong decision-making skills. Learn how to keep the promises that you make. That is a sure-fire way to build trust within. Understand that you’re word means something. Developing self-trust will build your integrity and confidence. |
| We can walk through this process together. It is not easy, but we got this! What decisions do you need to make? Pray and have faith that God is leading and guiding you. Be blessed! God loves you. |
June 14
2020
Dear younger self…
Do you ever think about the girl you used to be? I do. In the past, when I thought about my younger self, I had feelings of disgust. I felt shame, embarrassment, and self-hatred. All of those emotions were the effect of years of abuse and emotional trauma. It’s difficult to see yourself as something other than a trauma survivor, but it’s not impossible.
Let’s do an exercise! It may be uncomfortable, but we grow and become healthier when we step outside of our comfort zone. It’s so easy to bash ourselves and think negatively of ourselves, but let’s flip the script. I want you to take out a sheet of paper or your journal and write a letter of gratitude to your younger self. What ways can you honor yourself? It doesn’t have to be a long letter, just a few sentences or a couple of paragraphs.
I’ll share my letter with you.
Dear younger self,
I know life has been hard, and you endured much trauma. But today, I honor you for being strong and vulnerable at the same time. You were strong enough to confront the trauma and brave enough to be real, raw, and honest about your feelings. Your courage has inspired me to help others that have experienced sexual violence. It’s incredible to me that by the grace of God, you were able to forgive the people that molested and raped you. I honor you for being willing to let go of the hate, bitterness, and anger that was in your heart. I love that you have a zeal for life, and most of the time, you see the glass half full. Thank you for all the years of journaling and praying, even when you didn’t want to.
Thank you for never giving up. I respect you, and I love you. There is no other person I would rather be. You are beautiful, and I love your personality. One of the best decisions you made was to stop putting chemicals in your hair and allowing your natural hair to glorify God, lol. I love that you stopped hiding behind the veil of shame and self-hatred.
Please accept this letter of gratitude with humility and grace. Continue to grow into the person that God has created you to be because you are more than a trauma survivor.
Now, your turn!
I pray that you will take the time to love yourself and offer sweet words of kindness. I have learned that if I don’t pour into me, I won’t have anything to give to you from the overflow. Our bodies have been through a lot, and you don’t have to be embarrassed to honor yourself. On days when you don’t feel good about yourself, I encourage you to refer back to your letter and remind yourself that you are a fantastic person. We are not accepting ourselves despite the trauma, but because God’s word says:
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV)
I would love to read your letter of gratitude to your younger self. If you feel comfortable sharing, please email me at unveiledfacesmovement@gmail.com.
I will not share your letter or personal information.
Be blessed! God loves you.
May 30
2020
Take a Deep Breath
From time to time, we all need to exhale.
Breathe in, breathe out, and relax your shoulders. Take a deep breath and exhale.
In 1995 one of my favorite movies flooded theaters all around the world- “Waiting to Exhale” The film was about four women that bonded over family issues, cheating husbands, and a host of other problems that women face. In the movie, each woman was trying to find their happy place.
One woman divorced her cheating husband; another opened herself up to a new romantic relationship; another realized her self-worth and broke it off with her married lover. They were searching for perfect circumstances or a person to allow them to feel safe enough to exhale. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with a healthy and loving relationship, but why do we need another person to be at peace with ourselves. Please take note that all of the women were looking outside of themselves for wholeness. One of the most important relationships is the one we have with ourselves. For us to love others well, we have to love ourselves first.
As a Christian, I follow this principle – 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.‘ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31 NIV
I used to say, “I’ll be happy when I lose 20 pounds. I’ll be happy when I graduate from college. I’ll be happy when I am no longer dealing with the pain from sexual trauma. I’ll be happy when I get married.” One day, I realized my happiness was on hold, and it was situational. I based my pleasure on everything outside of myself. I now believe that satisfaction is a state of being or a state of mind.
What if those things never happen? If we base our happiness on our circumstances, we may risk living a life of depression. We may even feel like a failure because we have yet to achieve the things we think are going to bring us happiness. The fact that we are on a journey of healing shows that we value ourselves.
Be happy about that!
I challenge you to take inventory of your life and think about the areas that are on hold because you are waiting for a situation to bring you happiness. If you would like to drop a few pounds, continue to work on your goal but love and appreciate the body that you have now. If you have a desire for marriage, while you are single, get to know yourself and fall in love with you. Continue to do the work and allow yourself to heal from past traumas.
In Waiting to Exhale, one of the characters slow danced with a man, pretended he was perfect, closed her eyes, and exhaled in his arms.
We do not have to pretend.
Life is hard. Healing from sexual trauma is extremely difficult, but we can choose to exhale right now. I ask you to take a moment close your eyes and hug yourself.
Breathe in. Breathe out- Exhale.
Be Blessed! God loves you!
May 3
2020
How are you?
I hope all is well with you! I am doing well, myself. I have a question for you? Do you write in a journal? I highly recommend it. Journaling played a significant role in my healing process. My journal became my trusted friend. We can be honest when we write down our thoughts, feelings, and dreams because, most likely, we are the only ones that will see what we have disclosed.
Over the last ten years, I wrote down every dark memory that I could remember as a way to help me process the trauma that I had endured. I also documented my conversations with my therapist and the ups and downs of healing. My journals were raw and gut-wrenching, but I always felt a sense of relief once I took everything from my mind and splattered it all over the blank pages of my journal.
I recall a time when I literally wrote for 5 hours, yes, 5 hours. After my therapy session, I had a lot of emotions that I needed to process. It was a freeing experience because I connected with myself on a deeper level. I allowed myself to hear my voice, and that was rewarding; I did not realize I was showing myself compassion.
Since we are still under the stay at home order due to COVID-19, I decided to brainstorm about how I could freshen up my journaling experience. I decided to create a positivity journal! I thought about my past experiences, but I did not focus on the pain and sadness. Instead, I thought about the positive things I learned about myself. I was amazed at how much this exercise changed my view of myself. Some times we get stuck in seeing ourselves as a victim, but we are bold, brave, and we made a decision to get back up after life knocked us down.
I’ll share a few of my journal entries and what I learned about myself!
| I have an incredible will and desire to live. |
| I am resilient; I can bounce back from anything. |
| I am a woman of faith, and God was with me every step of the way. I learned how to be honest with God about my feeling and emotions. |
| I realized that I loved myself enough to invest time and money in my mental health and healing. I was determined to take my like back. |
| I don’t need the approval of others to live my life. I am good enough. |
My last point is, I am grateful for the time I spent in a support group for sexual assault survivors. I know that may sound strange, but hear me out. There is a special bond that we had; we encouraged one another, and we wanted to see one another overcome the pain. We helped one another and provided a tremendous amount of support. I don’t know about you, but I did not learn essential life skills as a child, such as boundaries, self-respect, and red flags to be aware of when a person is displaying early signs of abuse or control. During our group sessions, we had the privilege to learn those skills, and that created confidence in me that I may not have developed if I was not a part of that group.
Hopefully, this will encourage you to see what positives you can take from your experiences. I know it may be difficult, but we all have something to be grateful for. Even if the one positive in your life is the fact that you are still alive! That is something worth celebrating because your life has value and meaning!
Be blessed. God loves you!
March 29
2020
Dear Survivor
This blog post is especially for you, for us. We have been through hell. We have a unique bond because unless someone has been through the pain of sexual violence they will never understand the effort it takes to breathe again. Survivor, I want you to know that I believe you. I am not writing to you from a place of pride. I do not have it all together or all figured out. However, every day I make a decision to live again. To breathe again. I am speaking to you as a sister and a friend. You may be wondering why you should use unveiled faces as a resource for encouragement and healing?
Obviously, I am a survivor as well, but I have also learned how to overcome in many areas of my life. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse that started as early as three years old and I was sexually assaulted as an adult. My goal is to be honest with you about my experience because there is freedom in authenticity. I am no longer ashamed of the things I suffered in my life, but I did not get her overnight. If you are lost, I feel obligated to help and show you the way. I want to share incite and hope with you. I want to share things with you about the healing process that I wish people would have told me in the beginning.
Though this is not a Christian blog I cannot share my story and encourage you without mentioning all the ways Jesus healed me and comforted me over the years. If you are not familiar with the love and healing that is available hopefully Unveiled Faces will introduce you to the love of God.
Imperfectly,
Nicole
March 15
2019
Facing The Pain
***Trigger Warning***
Hey Girly,
The pain of sexual trauma is real, nothing compares; unless you have experienced it, you will never really understand. We have to allow ourselves the necessary time it takes to process the trauma. No one can tell us how we should process the pain or give us a time limit for how long it should take us to overcome. I’m sure you heard your therapist say countless times, “healing is not linear.” I hated that term; as a matter of fact, I wanted to punch my therapist every time she said it. (just being honest, lol) I felt like it would have been so much easier if healing was a 123 process, but that is not possible.
The weight of my trauma became too much for me to bear. I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was afraid of vulnerability. I viewed it as a weakness, and I had to be strong to protect myself, so why would I waste time sitting around, crying about the horrible things I had endured. My therapist taught me the importance of facing the pain of my past and not suppressing my feelings in an attempt to be strong. I realized I did not want to die, I just did not want to feel the pain any longer. I am so grateful I allowed myself to sit in the discomfort of my trauma.
One day I was at home, thinking about my life. The pain. The abuse. The torment from my memories. Tears began to stream down my face I tried my best to stop them, but it was too late. I began to cry and scream from the top of my lungs; I fell to the floor; I cried until I was numb. It felt like an out of body experience, but I felt a sense of relief that I had never experienced before. Eventually, I got up off the floor and cleaned up myself. I allowed myself to face the reality of what I had been through. I allowed myself to be human. That breakdown was my breakthrough. I broke through the veil of fear and pain.
My tears were cleansing. I learned that no matter how hard and how long I cried, afterward, I would be ok. I always felt so much better after I released the necessary emotions and feelings that are associated with trauma. I learned that I could dry my tears and still have an amazing day. I started to feel a sense of control. Tears are not harmful, but suppressing them is. I had to allow the little girls inside of me to cry and express themselves. My three-year-old self needed time to process and grieve in ways I was not allowed to during those times. Once I released the tears, I could breathe deeper, and over time I began to trust myself a little more. My feelings and emotions are still healing, but I am in a much better place.
Please use wisdom. I am not saying do exactly what I did to help me unveil fear and pain. Please follow the guidelines and recommendations of your therapist. I’m merely saying you have to admit that you are in pain for you to heal.
Think about it like this….
A few years ago, I had a toothache. I did not want to go to the dentist, so I decided to take care of it myself. I brought an electric toothbrush, and I increased my brushing and flossing. I changed my mouthwash to Listerine. I adjusted the way I chewed, and I did not eat foods with an excessive amount of sugar. My attempts worked for a while. Unfortunately, I was covering up my symptoms, but I was not addressing the root of my issue. Overtime my toothache became worse; I could not avoid the fact that I needed professional help.
The dentist took one look at my tooth and said I needed to have a root canal. The moral of the story is, are you covering up your symptoms with fake smiles and lashes? Are you looking for someone else to make you feel better about you? Or are you facing the pain and trusting that your tears will lead you to a place of cleansing and internal washing?
I am not minimizing our pain or the severity of it, but we have the power to control what we allow to control us. Let today be your day of the breakthrough.
Break the veil!