Learn how to say, no!

I struggled for years with people-pleasing. I thought I was supposed to put other people’s needs before my own. I felt like my life was not worth nurturing and developing. People ran over me- sadly, I have to admit I was a doormat. I did not have a backbone. I said yes to every request and volunteered for every event because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I said no.

I would say yes, but I would be boiling on the inside and filled with resentment. I felt undervalued and unappreciated. I would panic internally, wondering how I was going to complete my errands and personal commitments. My therapist helped me unpack the reason behind my people-pleasing. My behavior was rooted in the molestation I experienced as a child. I felt like if I were compliant or “good,” I would not be abused, of course, that was not the truth. 

 I know this can be difficult for us because we have said “no” to unwanted sexual contact. Unfortunately, saying no in those moments meant nothing to our perpetrators. We are not the blame for the injustice against us. Please do not punish yourself; It’s never too late to exercise a new muscle.

We have the right to say no in any situation that we choose; our voice matters. I consider myself to be a recovering people-pleaser. You are going to be uncomfortable once you start declining requests and invitations. Developing new skills can be challenging and scary at first.

If you struggle with people-pleasing before you say yes, ask yourself these few questions.

• Why am I saying yes?
• Am I afraid to say no?
• Am I betraying my needs to seem like a “nice person?”
• Is the request reasonable?

Most likely, you will experience backlash from people that were used to you appeasing them; that’s normal. But that is not your concern; they have to adjust to the new you. And that’s ok, but don’t give up. You are worth it. People-pleasing is a defective survival strategy. Once you master this new skill, you will learn how to make decisions for yourself. You will no longer feel like you need the approval of others. I’m sure most of us are familiar with the phrase- No is a complete sentence.

Be blessed. God loves you.