Your Life Matters

So often, the world places the value of life on wealth, appearance, and the number on the scale. Or the size of our bank accounts. Not to mention the pressure that women feel if they are still checking the “single box” on an application. When you add childhood sexual abuse and rape to the equation, you have the perfect recipe for low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in oneself.

I have struggled with self-esteem and confidence most of my life. As a child, I never felt like I was good enough, and I thought the reason for my existence was to be traumatized and abused. I have memories of the neighborhood children taunting me because I walked with my head hung down to the ground. I felt worthless and invisible. Those feelings were magnified after I was sexually assaulted as an adult. As a result, I tried to find my value in men. I searched all over looking for a man to love me and make me feel better about myself.

Unfortunately, I was left dissatisfied after every failed relationship. Each relationship left me feeling more emptier than the last. I was broken and depleted of any sense of worth and value. I was exhausted from searching for the love I desperately needed. I was tired of allowing men to use my body and then reject me after they got what they wanted. I hit rock bottom; I was alone with myself. I started daydreaming about ending it all. I did not see a reason for me to live, and I did not think my life mattered. I used to think of the different ways I could end my life. I was in a real dark place.

Eventually, I started seeing a therapist, but therapy was so hard. It was so difficult to talk about the pain of my past week after week. I began to doubt my decision to seek help from a counselor; I questioned why I was fighting so hard to stay alive. What is on the other side of this pain? Is it worth it? With all of my unanswered questions, I decided to continue seeing a therapist. I also started watching Christian sermons online. One day, the Pastor spoke about the love that Jesus Christ has for us. That really got my attention, because as I mentioned, I was looking for someone to love me. But I did not understand how an invisible Jesus could love me, and why would he want to.

I thought to myself there is no way Jesus could ever love me. I was buried in shame and guilt from my past trauma. I was ashamed of the things I had done in the search for love. I was tainted, broken, and unloveable. Or at least that is what I believed. But that was a lie. I started to read the Bible; I read scriptures like For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 KJV I did not know what that meant, but I understood that God loved me so much that he sent his Son Jesus to die for me, for us. I wanted to know more. I started to read the Bible and attend Church services regularly.

One day I walked to the altar and dedicated my life to Jesus. I received him in my heart by saying a simple prayer. I am a sinner. I repent from my sins, and I ask for forgiveness. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sins. Jesus, I ask you to come into my heart. Please lead and guide my life. Please be my source of hope, love, and deliverance. By faith, I accept you as my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. (You can pray this simple prayer as well, and your life will never be the same).

Slowly, my emptiness went away, internally I was fulfilled. All along, I was looking outside of myself for love and wholeness. I needed to get alone with Jesus and allow Him to fill me with his love. I did not have to earn his love; his love is freely given. In retrospect, I realize it was not that I wanted to die, but I was tired of feeling. I was familiar with the feeling of pain, and I wanted that feeling to go away. I am not saying that a life with Jesus is pain-free or even comfortable. But it makes all the difference in the world to know that someone loved me enough to die for me.

My life has a new purpose and a new vision. What if I would have given up? What if I would have committed suicide? I would have never known the love and healing that was available to me. I pray that you will give yourself a chance to see what is on the other side of your pain. Please don’t give up! The world needs you. Your life has purpose and value, and it is not based on your marital status, bank account, or your degrees. You are valuable because “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Be blessed