I struggled for years with people-pleasing. I thought I was supposed to put other people’s needs before my own. I felt like my life was not worth nurturing and developing. People ran over me- sadly, I have to admit I was a doormat. I did not have a backbone. I said yes to every request and volunteered for every event because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I said no.

I would say yes, but I would be boiling on the inside and filled with resentment. I felt undervalued and unappreciated. I would panic internally, wondering how I was going to complete my errands and personal commitments. My therapist helped me unpack the reason behind my people-pleasing. My behavior was rooted in the molestation I experienced as a child. I felt like if I were compliant or “good,” I would not be abused, of course, that was not the truth. 

 I know this can be difficult for us because we have said “no” to unwanted sexual contact. Unfortunately, saying no in those moments meant nothing to our perpetrators. We are not the blame for the injustice against us. Please do not punish yourself; It’s never too late to exercise a new muscle.

We have the right to say no in any situation that we choose; our voice matters. I consider myself to be a recovering people-pleaser. You are going to be uncomfortable once you start declining requests and invitations. Developing new skills can be challenging and scary at first.

If you struggle with people-pleasing before you say yes, ask yourself these few questions.

• Why am I saying yes?
• Am I afraid to say no?
• Am I betraying my needs to seem like a “nice person?”
• Is the request reasonable?

Most likely, you will experience backlash from people that were used to you appeasing them; that’s normal. But that is not your concern; they have to adjust to the new you. And that’s ok, but don’t give up. You are worth it. People-pleasing is a defective survival strategy. Once you master this new skill, you will learn how to make decisions for yourself. You will no longer feel like you need the approval of others. I’m sure most of us are familiar with the phrase- No is a complete sentence.

Be blessed. God loves you.

I pray that this post finds you well. I have been thinking about how unpredictable life is and the importance of making the most of every day. We have six months left in the year, can you believe it! This year has been wild and crazy. The question is- how are we planning to tackle the remainder of the year? I know this year did not go according to our well thought out plans. We did not expect COVID-19, but if you are reading this post, you still have a heartbeat.

Spend time reflecting about the first half of the year. What did you learn about yourself? What hard truth did you have to face? Are you grateful? What joy did you rekindle during this time of social distancing?

The truth is, we still have a responsibility to live even though life does not always go according to our plan.

Look at the bare bones of your life and think about what is within your reach. What goals can you achieve that does not require you to put yourself at risk of contracting COVID-19. Please don’t allow the first half of the year to derail all of your progress. You have come so far on your healing journey, and I am so proud of you. Keep going. I know it gets hard. It’s still hard for me some days. And some days, I feel exhausted, but I think about you and the privilege I have to speak into your life.

I spent years in therapy, wondering why I was fighting so hard. I would often think about women that have experienced the same trauma as me, and I wanted to help you, and that is what kept me in the fight. My point is, you are someones why, too. Someone is looking at how you handle life. Someone admires your courage and resilience. Someone needs to see a woman live her life well even after she endured unspeakable trauma.

But first, you have to make sure you are full and whole on the inside. Figure out your reason why. Please don’t give up on 2020, make the second half of the year count.

Be blessed! God loves you.